December 2009
54 posts
The stone cutter doesn’t have the strength today
To chip away at whatever’s replaced your skin and bones
Skin and bones, now, no longer your own
They’re ambivalence and dexterity
Crawling on four feet, lingering
Rocky mountain street
Four thousand feet of clarity
Serene
Altitude sickness brings malleable energy
Recycled, reused, regretfully
I’ll take a reset; four...
5 until 2 and I busted out some homemade booze.
I was invited to go out on New Years with some co-workers. I won’t be because I’ll run into my ex boyfriend. Plus, why fucking bother?
I know he’s going to love this painting. But will he take this one as a declaration as well? Maybe it is. Yeah, it probably is. But what could either of us do about it? At this point, anymore, it’s just the waiting game.
Hey that all happened when
Yeah when was that anyway
Probably when my teeth
Started to rot right out of my head
I think the PBR leaked through my teeth
Into my brain.
It’s adorable and all, this secret crush someone has on me. But, I really wish that they would reveal to me who they are. It’s like, I don’t even get a choice in seeing if I’d consider it? I have a couple of guesses on who it is. There’s a certain voice in how people write, and I am pretty good at deciphering who has written what. You can’t hide that easily.
...
Try that one on for size.
pending thought #827409: joanna, you should change the color scheme ‘round these parts. my brain is bored.
Thanksgiving is cool, in that regard. Christmas, I fucking loathe.
i really really really like the food though.
I really really really don’t like holidays.
Slowly tumbling further down the rabbit hole. I’m starting to believe that there is no such thing as a healthy environment, because I’ve never been a part of one. I don’t want to feel like a victim, because being a victim, is being a fucking pussy. I’m not going to die a fucking pussy. I’m attacking each day, with mental aggression, suppressing the physical desires to...
I wonder what it takes to get men off the brain?
ART
Sometimes it’s free to make-you think
You think it’s free? Having already invested the time, the power, the emotion, the brain cells? You still think it’s free? Is it so easy to give away?
A gift that can’t be given, but shared.
Times like now I’m climbing on the edge of something and I know I should watch out but I can’t help but crawl deeper. I’m searching for something in nothing in nothing in nothing.
I think the problem is
Is that I can’t lean
Lean on anyone because
I’m too heavy now
Weighed down
By all this
All of this
My old heart died
I just haven’t found the time to
replace it yet.
It doesn’t mean I won’t I just
haven’t yet.
It will be my heart
Not someone else’s.
Back in Marion, again. I’m already bored and lonely. But so fortunately, I get to spend half of this break in Indiana. Yay!
A faint flame of something burns close to my heart. It only penetrates my chest through pinholes. These pinholes leak gin; straight. Take a drink. This is my life; pouring out. Light; sound; illusion. What’s to gain?
More than half of my boyfriends are engaged, married, or with children. I’m not jealous.
my friend got engaged. holy hell batman, i’m not ready to grow up.
I finished my last final today. I’m pretty sure I aced it. Tired, caffeinated, shaky, but relieved. I’m glad it’s “over” for a while but I feel sick at the thought of going back to Kalispell. I could probably leave right now if I wanted to. But why bother? I am going to stay here until the absolute last moment.
my back hurts so much from sharing my bed last night. it was the greatest night/morning i’ve had in awhile.
I had three different nightmares last night. I kept waking up in a thick sweat after each one. I don’t think I’m completely over my ex-boyfriend and it’s a pretty fucking big disadvantage. I’d rather just be apathetic towards him completely. I just have to be strong, knowing he will be living in Missoula within a month as well. Fuck that shit.
I’m starting to like this guy more, relax a little more around him. He’s pretty harmless, and he has more backbone than I originally thought. Surprise me more (with good stuff) and I just might stick around. Waking up to warm cuddling and hitting snooze until the last minute is wonderful wonderful wonderful.
stop drinking
Last night I had probably the most disgusting dream of my life. Without divulging details: blood, AIDS, torn sweaters, rusty pools, cross-dressing keyboard playing pigs, wooden roads that drop off into nothing, and despair throughout the whole thing.
Your dreams scare me, Damien. Hah
I go shopping because I’m lonely, and need the interaction. I spend money I don’t have, on things I don’t need, so that I can have something new in my life that day. Quick temporary fixes for the midwestern transplant in nowhere-land.
P.S. I smoked two cigarettes last night. First time in a year and a half almost. I don’t regret it. But my lungs are like “ouch….”
Stay up and move up and don’t stop.
thanks for pulling me up, you know who you are.
I was so afraid of being judged, I judged everyone tenfold in return. You didn’t deserve that, and I am sorry.
Chrissy killed herself yesterday. Now her child is officially orphaned. I hate to say it, but she’s probably better off now. At least I hope. I hope I hope I hope
It’s going to be one of those days where I am going to try really hard not to think about fucking the people I talk to. Yep. One of those days. Keep me out of the bars. Jesus.
I feel confusion like hesitation. Unsure, not insecure. Sorry, sad and slightly worried. The what-ifs reign in wondertown again.
Apathy tastes like strong black coffee tingling my tongue. A little tooth decay to make the pain fade, safely. Overstimulate mind, cell, body, skeleton, sight. Heart fried, gently. Just a simmering burn beneath the surface, yearning. Lack. Take all the investment back. Stagnant time, breathe an awareness into it. Hey hey. Haven’t died yet. Step forward, loudly.
My
heart
is
on
empty
so you spend years at a job. you make friends, you share stories, they get to know your family, they pretend to be apart of your life, etc. after many years later, tons of problems that you’ve had to overcome and situations you thought you would never get out of — they give you a gift. you know, for all the hard work you’ve done. something to show their thanks for all your...
I was just thinking about the road less traveled
Derelict it may be; But it’s still traveled
Once and a while you’ll stumble along a stranger
Who happened to be your friend
Maybe one time, at a bar; I’m not sure
Skipping introductions, bum a smoke or two and lean
This tree, conveniently placed here for me
You’re not perfect either, but you’re raw enough at least
Once you leave I realize
That was the best...
One ends. Another begins. Burning bridges. This day started with shit dripping from my hands (metaphorically) and ended with something sweet. Hey I can’t complain. This isn’t too terrible.
you know those people who say that can’t live without music? well, i believe them.
“fuck art, fuck money, fuck you”
i can’t decipher the difference between want & need anymore. wait, want is to happy as need is to depression?
What I want to know is why self destruction is so much more fun? I keep thinking about how I will use my time over winter vacation. So far I’ve come up with a few things: pick up smoking again, drink heavily, and hang out with shitty acquaintances. I will be working on my website (finally) and of course creating more stuff for my portfolio… but it seems like loneliness always the big...
My goal for 2010 is to be less forgiving. So far so good!
The thing about art, is that it is whatever you make it, using whatever medium you please. The thing that makes it art, is the heart in it.
tracing is art too, tracing is art too, tracing is art too, tracing is art too, tracing is art too, tracing is art too, tracing is art too, tracing is art too, tracing is art too, tracing is art too, tracing is art too, tracing is art too… if i say it enough, it will be.